Anonymous asked: When you decide to change your look, or as you said in your last post "present differently", is it a conscious decision to morph or do you just begin to gravitate toward different pieces until your wardrobe has changed?

The change I referred to rather vaguely was in gender presentation. And I’d say this change was conscious. I think a switch got turned on when I bought one of those $10 boy’s v-necks that emphasized my shoulders rather than my chest. It made me feel the most at home in the upper half of my body than I’d ever felt before. From that point forward I continued to build up the basics and purged everything I knew I’d never wear again. I think my bridesmaid dress for my brother’s wedding is now in his closet. (Maybe he’ll want to wear it to my wedding!) My style has since evolved as I’ve become acquainted with the vast possibilities within androgynous fashion. But the decision to move away from what I was expected to wear and towards what I wanted to wear was totally conscious. 

Now that I’m stocked up on basics and veering away from 12-year-old Ralph Lauren model territory (<- it was for realll), I’m gravitating towards more daring styles. I’m seeing I Dream of Dapper mix paisley and gingham, Fit For a Femme adding detachable collars (why can’t tomboys do it too?), Slim-fit leopard print pants with a teal blazer (thanks dapperQ!), among many. I still love all the things I loved before, but I’m slowly incorporating some of these bolder ideas into my wardrobe. This change I’d say is more unconscious, because I just take inspiration from the world around me and try it out, while still wearing all the same pieces I wore before. I don’t have any grand plans to morph my wardrobe towards a whole new style. So we’ll see what comes of it.

Thanks for the awesome reflective question!

- Sonia

(re: question about my choice of glasses)

Anonymous asked: How can i explain to my mom that wearing menswear is okay? my mom is really traditional and old fashioned and doesn’t understand that it’s what i’m comfortable in.

I asked my friend Missy for help on this one cause she’s a social worker and stuff. The way you phrased it is perfect; that menswear is what you feel comfortable in. You can use this as a common goal, because I’m sure your mom wants you to be happy and comfortable too! You could ask your mom what her favorite outfit is and what she feels like while wearing it. Then show her your favorite outfit and tell her how you feel when you’re wearing it. (eg. I usually gain two inches in height when I’m wearing a bow tie.) I’m sure she doesn’t feel comfortable wearing EVERYTHING that is traditionally considered feminine, and she would be sad if she was pressured to. 

oh my gawd howww does she know how to do that (source: letna-pnevmatika.si)

Let’s talk about stereotypes. You and your mom can make a list of what “women are supposed to do,” and think about ways in which you each fit those stereotypes (leg shaving, dress wearing, talks about all of the feelings, likes to cook, good at picking up social cues, sees dirt) and then think of ways in which you each don’t fit them (good at fixing things, likes watching football, dislike of pink, great backhand.) For you, wearing menswear is just one way that you don’t fit the stereotypes. Missy explains, “Everyone doesn’t fit gender stereotypes in some way — because they’re impossible to fit and unrealistic.” Word.

GQ in kitchen!! Watch out!! (Photo cred: Sarah Campagne)

Your mom’s journey to get used to your presentation might take longer than you’d like. It’s totally normal for parents go through a sense of loss when their kids don’t match their dreams and expectations. For parents of gender non-conforming kids, it can be more intense. But it’s the same deal. So talk that out with her too, and encourage her to be open with you/someone about her feelings (resource list below.) Because those feelings are REAL.

BUTCHES AND BABIES

It can be hard to keep your cool if your mom is going all what’s-up-with-that-tie on you every day. And those emotions are totally legit too and worth exploring with a therapist if you want (links below.) But you will probably get better results in these conversations if you approach your mom in a non-confrontational way. Missy puts it that “Sometimes we have to parent our parents.” Try to be patient and understanding with her while you help challenge her ideas about how you should dress. It sounds like you’re really already looking at where your mom is coming from in all this. So that’s an amazing start.

In conclusion, butches and babies are the most adorable thing on this earth.

Resources!

PFLAG: a support group for parents, friends, and family of LGBTQ and gender non-conforming people.

Therapy!: You can find a therapist in your area who has experience working with LGBTQ people (even if you are just straight and like to wear menswear) and have some family therapy sessions. A good therapist can help you both mediate your conversations in a safe way. Missy uses Psychology Today’s website to find therapists who specialize in LGBTQ clients.

Everyone is Gay: Gosh I love them. All around good advice for young people.

Related posts: “Mom is making me wear dress to wedding” qweary

Anonymous asked: any thoughts about why I've always felt more comfortable in women's business attire than in normal women's fashion? I know it's not strictly asking for advice, but I thought it might be up your alley.

Nah it’s an interesting question. There could be many reasons why. You might just feel most comfortable when you’re dressed formally. My bro dresses formally all the time just because he’s a pretty formal person. The thing about women’s business attire is that it’s more conservative than most traditional women’s clothing because it covers up more skin and doesn’t try to play up womanly baby-making parts.* So you may find that it aligns better with your preferred gender presentation, or you might like the way it feels. I imagine it makes you feel powerful, because business attire traditionally asks for respect. And I’m sure people treat you differently when you’re in it. That could make a big difference for you if you feel like you’re lacking that respect in other parts of your life. So lots of factors going into it. 

*Thanks Gee

Anonymous asked: Dear Sonia, great blog. I have a problem. I love being gay, and I don´t mind people connecting my style with my sexual orientation, in fact it makes hooking up a lot easier. But, I am really tired of people mistaking me for a boy. But does that mean I have to move towards a heteronormative style? Is lesbian style only defined on a one dimensional scale from butch to femme? My question is then how do I dress less gay without losing the gayness?

Dear Anonymous,

It sounds like some people see you and pin you as a lesbian. Others read you as male. Someone might think you are a student because you’re carrying a backpack, or think you’re white when you are light-skinned Puerto Rican American. See the problem? People will always make assumptions about us. So my answer to you is to not change a thing.

Anyway, why should boys have dibs on dressing in a traditionally masculine way? Missy’s outlook in this post was perfect; if people think you look like a boy, don’t they mean that boys look like you?  

To answer your second question, Lesbian style, or gender presentation/identity goes across and outside and around all possible spectrums we could ever think of. There is no either/or. Here are some more fun qwearies about gender presentation.

Thanks for following!

Sonia

Anonymous asked: I am fourteen. I am a lesbian. A lot of people believe that I can't be positive I am a lesbian at fourteen. When, actually, I have know since I was 10. I want to dress androgynous, but also I want to wear dresses occasionally? I am terrified to confront my mom about it. All of my family knows, but I am still scared to admit how I want to dress. Can I dress both ways? I am really impatient so if you have time please reply soon I know you are really busy I just, freak out. Thanks.

A.D. says: You can do whatever you want, including wearing dresses and dressing androgynously. Do not let anyone make you feel like you have to choose one way of dressing or being over another. Do not let anyone make you feel less because you are a lesbian, or because you want to wear dresses and ties and leather jackets and ties and make-up. YOU DO YOU. (Thanks, Autostraddle for the best slogan ever.)

I’m not saying that if “you do you” life will be easier. In fact, life will be challenging in ways that gender conforming folks don’t have to deal with. But it will be honest. You will discover your strength and your phenomenal self and I think that’s incredibly rewarding.

(Just look at A.D. I’m really glad they exist in all their hotness and gender non-conforming celebration. — Sonia)

These people are helpful and friendly!
Everyone is Gay: (you probably already read them… but just in case! Amazingness!)
http://everyoneisgay.com/resources.html Click your city!
PLAG: (This is a group that your family could go to if they want to learn more about your identity and how to support you. Or if they just want to meet other families of queers.)
It Gets Better: (kids make videos about their experiences. You could make one too!)
GLBT National Youth Talkline, 1-800-246-PRIDE Mon-Fri 8pm - midnight EST, 5pm - 9pm PST (in case ya need to talk)

Related posts: Qweary about dressing across the gender spectrum

Anonymous asked: This isn't exactly a fashion question, but here it goes. I'm in college and have a good friend who lives across the hall from me. She knows I'm gay and isn't bothered by it (she's straight) but she is constantly trying to get me to dress more girly and get a more feminine haircut. I've told her that I'm more comfortable in men's clothes but she doesn't seem to get it. Is there anything I can say/do that will help get my point across?

This is actually a really good question. Before I was as confident about my gender presentation and my fashion was a bit more questionable, lots of straight friends tried to offer me “fashion advice” — which in their mind meant more feminine clothes. Playing Sonia-Makeover was not a rare suggestion. They didn’t mean to make me uncomfortable, and were just trying to help. I think they also didn’t necessarily recognize what was pushing me out of my comfort zone (good) and what was just making me plain uncomfortable (bad.)

Since there is such little positive representation of queer and gender non-conforming folks, people often think that dressing well for female assigned folks means dressing feminine. You can start by pointing out that Ellen DeGeneres and Rachel Maddow are the most sexy as well as gender nonconforming! Maybe you can think of mutual friends or other people you see on campus who are totally hott in a non feminine way, or other celebrities you both like. And just continue to explain what types of clothes you want to wear so that you can direct her help to the right places. “I’m not interested in wearing dresses,  but I’d totally love your suggestion on which of these bow ties would go with this shirt.” 

It’s not always the best feeling to have someone pressuring you to wear things you don’t feel comfortable in… a lot of the advice thrown at me was unwarranted. If she ever makes you uncomfortable, you could tell her that too. I hope that you can have some great talks with her and become better friends as a result! 

Also, queer friends are the best. You can never have too many of them.

Anonymous asked: Ahhh, I feel like I'm late to the coolest party ever! Just found your blog and absolutely LOVE IT :D Annnyways, I have a question. I'm just starting to find my style and am having some difficulties with it. I'm kinda between "butch" and "femme" and I don't know how to balance the two yet (idk how to phrase that :P). But, yeah, any suggestions would be awesome! Thanks!!

Forget labels for now, because I think they are tripping you up. It’s great that you have a sense who you are, but I find that breaking it down into specifics is a lot easier than trying to adhere to a label. “These jeans make my ass look curvier than I want… This blazer’s shoulders are too broad and make me look more masculine than I feel comfortable… These wedges make me feel like a queer boi in drag.” How often can we really know who we are? There may not be any words to explain your identity. The only thing you can really be specific about is what things feel right, and what don’t. So just try lots of things on and follow your instincts. If your style is anywhere near as awesome as your creative compliments, (thank you!!) I’m sure you’ll look fantastic.

Anonymous asked: I love wearing skirts and dresses and girly things. But I also love wearing the more masculine clothing. Does that make me a freak? Should I choose one? My girlfriend typically likes me more girly because I have a ten inch difference between my waist and hips and she loves that. What do I do?

Freakishly awesome, maybe. Queerfabulous, unique, HUMAN, definitely. Some people with the desire to wear feminine and masculine things identify as gender fluid. But that’s up to you. Just understand that this is completely normal, lots of people feel the way you do, and there is no right way to identify or present.

You might want to communicate to your girlfriend that you love how much she loves your curvy hips, but you also want to feel confident when you’re dressing masculine that she’ll be just as attracted to you then too. Some people also love their feminine curves in the sheets even if they want to hide them when they’re dressed. So keep in mind that it’s completely normal for whatever you’re feeling when you’re having sexy times with your boo to vary from your feelings when you’re walking around in the world.

Several months ago, a cute queer named Emma modeled some femmewear and menswear outfits for us. I immediately thought of her to show how one person can wear so many different things and look amazing in all of them.

Anonymous asked: hey! So im female, and im very happy being female, but i frequently feel more comfortable in mens clothing, such as tshirts and jackets. does this make me genderqueer?

Nope. Genderqueer is an identity that you choose to have if it feels right for you. You can identify as a cisgendered female and have a more masculine gender presentation. You could also identify as genderqueer and have a more feminine gender presentation. You could also identify as a transgender male and wear feather boas and high heels every day.

If we think about what makes us what, our heads will spin with all our notions of gender and we’ll go crazy. Just do you, and your identity will follow.

Also. Check out these definitions: What does Transmasuline, Genderqueer, Androgynous, and Queer all mean?

glitterbitchxx asked: I’m gender-fluid and work a retail job where I have to look reasonably heteronormative and conservative for customers, with some leeway for fashion. I feel really uncomfortable wearing very feminine clothes when I feel masculine, but I don’t want to get questions about looking “butch.” How would I go about dressing fashionably with a nod to my queerness without stepping outside heteronormativity?

You might have already looked into this, but if you are in the US, some states have non-discrimination laws for gender identity and expression. Here is a list of those states, and if anyone has a better resource to recommend, please let us know!

So, with the understanding that IT IS WRONG AND TERRIBLE for your employer to question you on looking too “butch” or force you to wear feminine clothes, I have some ideas for you:

Diesel Limited Edition Canada Flag Boxers available at Ssense for $30

1. Boxers. On your more masculine days, you could wear boxers or some undergarment that makes you feel grounded.

2: Browse the women’s section. Evaluate what are the most feminine clothes you feel comfortable wearing on your most masculine days. For example, if I were in a situation where I needed to look feminine, I would wear hip hugging pants to enhance a feminine sillouette and then hope that I could get away with a men’s shirt. Walk around the women’s section in a store sometime when you are feeling more masculine, and think about what you could stand to wear. If you can manage to wear clothes from the women’s department on those days, you’ll have made huge strides towards heteronormativity! And, as previously discussed, some of these clothes from the women’s section can be quite andro. (Check out this and this)

3: Make up. You could also try putting on make up in a pretty-boy way and see if it would balance out the “butch” clothing. This is not something everyone would feel comfortable doing, but it’s something to consider. I don’t think that make up is inherently feminine. Otherwise those pretty male birds are all genderqueer.

(source: theroyalheirs.tumblr.com)

4: Bright colors. Bright colors and their association with femininity are another social construct with no real grounding. If you wear all men’s clothing, but have a bright purple chinos, people will probably read you as more feminine. 

(source: deargolden.blogspot.com) <— p.s omgomg this is such a cool blog and I just discovered it!!

5: Hipster glasses. Seriously, I know your job wants a conservative look, but hipster glasses are so in right now that I think you could get away with them. They have such a bold statement that they would probably detract attention from the fact that you look like a total homo… and also hipsters break past the gender binary all the time, and people don’t question it because they’re hipsters.

Obey Meadowlark Short-Sleeved Floral Shirt, on sale at karmaloop for $55.95

6. Floral patterns. Flowers are another one of those things that we’ve assigned as feminine for no reason. Find a men’s shirt with a floral pattern on it and you can play their game without compromising your gender presentation. HAHAHA.

I hope you found these ideas helpful, and please leave more thoughts in the comments!