Marissa asked: I'm a lesbian in college and have finally come to terms with the fact that I prefer to present more androgynous or masculine than anyone in my family would prefer. It has taken years of working on myself to build the self confidence that I needed to get the haircut I want, and to be comfortable enough to wear masculine clothes everywhere I go. I have my very first solo shopping trip coming up and I'm very excited to be able to shop in whichever section I want, without hearing my family ushering me back to the "women's" section. However, I'm worried that once I get there, I'll be too afraid to shop in any other section. Every time I've tried thus far to shop in a different section, I feel awkward and like I'm not allowed to shop there. I know it's silly but a part of me still thinks it's not okay to dress how I want to dress and I'm tired of feeling that way. Are there any words of advice you can give to a young person just trying to present how they want to?

Dear Marissa,

Congratulations!! Wow, you’ve done the hardest part — acknowledging who you are, understanding how you want to present, and of course, writing to Qwear for encouragement.

I felt the exact same way when I first started shopping in the men’s section. In fact, when I first got up the courage to do it, it was because I happened upon an empty Macy’s boys section when no one else was around to bother me.

The first time is the hardest, and each time after that gets a bit easier. Before you know it, you won’t even be nervous at all. 

You deserve to be in that section just as much as any cis man, simply because you are a customer and you know what you want. And shopping in different sections is becoming more and more socially acceptable for all genders. 

Once I was with my friend Sarah Champagne, and a sales person came up to us and angrily said, “you know this is the men’s section, right?” My hands started forming into fists, but before I could say anything, Champsie smiled and held up a belt. “I know, isn’t this belt fabulous?” They completely disarmed the sales person and we went on with our day.

Another time, I brought my clothes into the men’s dressing room, and the sales person tried to make me go downstairs to the women’s dressing room, even though I was shopping in the men’s section on another floor. I asked them what their trans anti-discrimination policy was and they swiftly said I could change in whatever room made me most comfortable. 

Both of these things happened 10 years ago, and we live in a different world now in many ways. We have more visibility, which is both good and bad. 

Try starting somewhere easy, like a thrift store, where people are more likely to shop in every section and then work your way up to a more mainstream store.

I think this is going to be a very empowering experience for you. Every time you feel insecure just remind yourself “I deserve to be here as much as any cis man.” 

Remember, YOU are the customer, YOU know what you want, and money has no gender!!! 

Best of luck, and please let us know how it goes!!

XOXO

Sonny

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