This is What Asexual Looks Like Part 4: Masc Edition
I’m Yasmin Benoit, a model, asexuality activist, and the creator of #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike.
When I started #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike, I wanted to show that there is no one asexual way to look or dress, there is no asexual demographic, and that our community is much more diverse and individual than stereotypes would have people believe. Writing for Qwear, I have tried to shine a light on stylish people on the asexual spectrum that I've come across online, giving them a platform to speak about their own self-expression and identity. Of course, when our original sample is coming from sites like Instagram — where the majority in fashion communities are women/femmes — that's who is more likely to end up in these articles. For this edition, I focused on asexual people on the masculine side of the spectrum. I thought this was particularly important as there is a misconception that asexuality is something that only women experience, a stereotype I've often found surprising, as I know many asexual guys. I'd love for you to meet some of the awesome people I scouted in this article! Enjoy!
Chandler Wilson
You might already recognize Chandler Wilson (@chandlernwilson). When they're not studying Spanish, Anthropology, and LGBT+ Queer Studies in North Carolina, they're an LGBTQ+ human rights activist with a popular YouTube channel and an impressive online presence. Chandler realized that they were agender before coming to identify as being on the asexual and aromantic spectrums, and describes their style as always intersecting with their gender identity before their asexuality/bisexuality.
"I dress in ways that feel affirming for my body so I can express my gender identity while also being engaged in queer culture. For me, that means dressing in ways that feel physically comfortable and adorning my body with all kinds of queer and trans staples! I love a good floral button up. Floral anything makes me feel a harmonious blend of masculinity, femininity, and androgyny — which is how I feel best aligns with who I am! It’s also important to me that my style disrupts norms and assumptions about masculinity and sexuality. I want to be read as unapologetically queer."
“Floral anything makes me feel a harmonious blend of masculinity, femininity, and androgyny — which is how I feel best aligns with who I am!”
"Coming out as asexual for me was a bit of a journey. I have identified as so many different labels all across the gender and sexual spectrums. Once I realized I was asexual, so much of my life and experiences started to make sense. Ever since I started my physical transition on Testosterone, being public about my asexuality became exponentially more important for me. I wanted to show people that libido =/= sexual attraction and that asexual people can still be sex favorable."
Daniel James Findlay-Bedfield
Daniel James Findlay-Bedfield (@dessiedan350) is a senior train conductor of Chinese-Singaporean, Indonesian, Burmese, Scottish and Guyanese descent, based in the UK. He came out as gay in 2001, but later realized that "the reason I was feeling so left out of the gay community was because I was actually asexual. It was like all the questions I had in my head were answered and things finally made sense."
"It's taken me a while to find my own style. I've certainly had my fair share of fashion faux-pas in the past! I'm quite simple and don't like branded clothes. I have a fondness for polka dots and houndstooth patterns! I get lots of compliments about my fashion choices and how smart I always look. I feel comfortable in how I dress.”
“I don't think my style particularly intersects with my asexuality. I guess I just wear what I think looks good, and I have pretty good judgement."
Artifice
Artifice (which means "firework" in French) Levac-Chaloux (@acespiredd) is an activist, animator, and camp counsellor from La Minevese in Quebec, Canada, who is passionate about queer issues, anti-specism and travel. They identify as both asexual and agender with a more masculine-presenting style, which is more interconnected with their beliefs, rather than their sexuality.
"I am a minimalist and I used to also be homeless (by choice). Therefore, I use to own about 2-3 pieces of clothes. I express my queerness in other ways. I like to have long hair and wear small makeup for example (but I don't do it as often as I would like to)."
"I want people to know that asexual folk exist and to be represented in the media. I made my ways into a lot of bad relationships before knowing I was ace. There's this big pressure around men to be hypersexual. Like many aces before me, I used to think I was broken. What was wrong with me? When I finally heard of asexuality. It was a revelation: 'I am not weird, there's people like me out there!'
“There’s this big pressure around men to be hypersexual. Like many aces before me, I used to think I was broken. ”
Next up are Matt (@emattgination) and John: a pair of 26-year-old writers and artists from Ontario, Canada, who also happen to be identical twins on the asexual spectrum - Matt being aromantic-asexual, and John being demisexual. Growing up, they used clothes to blend into the background, but began experimenting with their personal styles in their teens.
Matt "Vatem" Oliver
"These days I feel right at home with the label asexual and try to see it more like a superpower; like I don't share a same weakness or impulses others do. As a performer, I've started playing around with dressing in ways that make me feel desirable. Finding Yasmin Benoit on Instagram and seeing her dress how she does and just not be afraid of the possibility of people being attracted to her just felt so liberating even for a dude like me. Sexiness is something you can have fun with even if you don't want sex."
“Sexiness is something you can have fun with even if you don’t want sex.”
"In college, my performance teacher, Micah, urged me to 'dress like the rockstar I was meant to be.' It was brought to my attention that talking to me was like talking to a bizarre alien-boy from a different world and was charged with allowing my style to reflect that side of myself more. Visual fictional mediums like movies and anime are what really inspired my creativity in how I present myself. My fasion icons were Gandalf the White, Jane Lane, CLAMP character art, and literally any alternative best-friend character in cartoons or TV. I just wanted to be a cool witch boy and I didn't care if that sometimes meant wearing accessories designed for women to get there. For the most part, I just want people to look at me and think, 'yeah, that guy fo' defs practices real magick.'"
John Michael Kelly
"Forming your own personal style is an extremely effective way to make a statement about yourself without words, which can be an invaluable tool for someone whose skills are lacking in the social department. Still though, comfort plays a key role in what I choose to wear, because if I’m not comfortable, I can't feel relaxed enough to truly act like myself. My clothes — both casual and formal — need to look and feel like a second skin for me to feel free to be confident around others. If I were to describe my style, I suppose the words that would best define what I go for are: refined, scholastic, and occasional ass-kicker. I've always been attracted to the style of the evil masterminds and badass anti-hero archetypes like Hannibal Lecter or the Punisher.”
"I think my sexuality (or lack thereof) perhaps made my style a bit more conservative than it would be otherwise. But honestly, sex and attraction never comes to mind when choosing what to wear. When I wear an outfit that shows off my arms and tight clothing that shows off my form, it's more for self pride (something I went many years without) than it is peacocking or trying to get attention from women. Having bad asthma while growing up made me physically weaker than I wished to be. I am now proud of the physique I've attained since my asthma left and I am not shy in showing it off. And I also can’t deny, looking good feels good, regardless of other people’s perceptions."
Alessio Caputo
Alessio Caputo (@_alessio_fox_03) is a 16-year-old Italian student, a part-time waiter and a self-proclaimed "clumsy painter, improvised photographer, and aspiring director," currently working on a horror novel with an asexual protagonist.
"Until a year ago, I would've never dared to wear clothes considered too particular or too dark. I always wore very ordinary sweatshirts and boring tight jeans without anything particular about them. I was always too afraid of judgment from people around me, constantly living in a state of anxiety, feeling self conscious about my appearance. Last year was a year of changes, and each one of them was very positive. I came out as homoromantic asexual around February 2019, I finally decided to completely cut off contact with all the toxic people I surrounded myself with, therefore surrounding myself with real friends who loved and supported me as who I really am."
"I started to express myself more freely, dressing how the hell I wanted to, and finally becoming the person I really am. One of the most obvious examples of this change are my black nails, which I would never have worn before. I was too influenced by the judgment of others to even make me go through the idea of painting them. It's been five months now since I started painting them. I went to school every day with them, and walked around the cities wearing them, and this really means a lot to me. It shows how confident I have finally become, having the courage to venture the unthinkable in a country like southern Italy. I don't want to prove something by painting my nails or wearing pink chains, I just don't want to be what others have decided that I should be, I just want to be what I really want to be."
Darius
Darius (@smsdarius) is a student from Baltimore, Maryland. Although he describes his style as being "alternative" now, it only became that way after he came to terms with his sexuality.
"I dye my hair. Right now it’s black and purple. I’ve also done black and red. I wear a lot of black and red and chains and rings and bracelets. I also paint my nails black or purple. I used to dress like an average black boy from an inner city. When I first started to become comfortable with my sexuality and who I was I felt I was able to dress and present myself the way I wanted to. I plan to further advance my style with more accessories and ear piercings etc."
"In high school I struggled with not feeling like my peers when it came to girls and after doing research on what that means, I found out what asexuality was, and instantly it clicked! After that I did a bunch of research to learn as much as I could. When I first told people I heard that it wasn’t real a lot, and “you’re just saying that because you can’t get anyone to have sex with you” or just being called broken because I didn’t want to have sex with anyone. When I told my family they said the same thing. So 16-year-old me was ashamed of it but over the years I’ve met more ace people and the shame has long since been gone!"
