This is What Asexual Looks Like Part 6: In Celebration of Ace Week 2020
As you may know by now, I'm Yasmin Benoit, a British model, aromantic-asexuality activist, and the creator of the #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike campaign. The campaign began with the inception of this series, which I started in the hopes that I could use my platform — and Qwear's platform — to amplify the voices of other asexual people. I wanted to give the agency back to asexual people so that they could represent themselves, and show that there is no asexual way to look or dress. Through this series and the hashtag that has become so much more than that, we can increase asexual visibility, illustrate our diversity and dispel misconceptions about our community. We can also enjoy some aesthetically pleasing insight into ace people from all over the world.
Yasmin Benoit
This article is being released in celebration of this year's Ace Week (formerly known as Asexual Awareness Week), which took place from the 25th to the 31st of October. Founded in 2010 by Sara Beth Brooks, Ace Week is an international campaign dedicated to raising awareness and expanding education of asexuality.
In the meantime, allow me to introduce to you some amazing aces that I had the pleasure of encountering through social media!
Leo Oliveira
Leo (@oliverleonlop) is someone whose Instagram I've had my eye on for a while. Leo is a 23-year old student from Brazil, studying an MBA program in logistics. Leo discovered the ace community almost four years ago and Leo said it "changed my life completely." Now Leo identifying as panromantic-asexual, and after beginning to question their gender identity, they began to identify as agender too. Leo said, "I was feeling weird with being a ‘man,’ since I was pretty much off of the pattern of what they say a man ‘should be.’ So I've found myself at ease when I've crossed the agender label."
"Before finding myself as Ace and LGBTQ+, I was very conservative about my style, mostly by fear of judgement. The farthest I've gone was dressing with punk and gothic styles when I was a teen, and I really enjoyed it. But now, I feel so much more free to dress as I want, even if they are feminine or unisex clothes. I still lean more for the masculine style though. I'm even more happy to be able to wear makeup and earrings, paint my nails, and show off my skin without that fear. I've earned a lot of confidence in my body, not to sexually attract others, but to feel sexy and powerful for myself."
"I like to write poetry and fantasy as much as I like to sing and play piano. I also like to attend all of the cultural events that I can at my city, where I can perform my characters (like Corvus Corax), my poetry, and some live music. There, I'm also at home around other LGBTQ+ friends and where I've fought for my spot as the first openly ace person in my city. I struggled with prejudice and misinformation at the beginning, but with my activism I've brought information to a lot of people and earned respect for the cause. As a beacon here, many other ace people found their way to me and the ace spectrum, which made the family grow and made me the happiest person."
Elisa & Emilie
Elisa (@loveinyourwords) and Emilie (@ahiddenflower) are 19-year-old twins from France who graced my presence on Twitter. The moment I saw them, I knew I had to include them in this series (and not just because I had twins in the last article too!) Both twins identify as panromantic and nonbinary, and have also described their shared passion for, "Creating not only pieces of art such as drawings, paintings and poems but also a safe space, boundaries, a future that could be bright and hopeful for us."
We end up internalizing a lot of self-hatred, and the first thing that brought us comfort into our asexual journey was the hashtag #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike
— Elisa & Emilie
"Asexuality was the one sexuality that was the hardest for us to accept mostly because of two things: the lack of representation, talk, and sources about asexuality, and the blatant, normalized acephobia and acephobic stereotypes repeated by people not only around us but on social media. We end up internalizing a lot of self-hatred, and the first thing that brought us comfort into our asexual journey was the hashtag #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike. Seeing people proudly showing who they were greatly inspired us and gave us the hope that maybe one day, we could be like them too. Twitter was the one social media which allowed us to meet and interact with other asexual people and follow their journey. We recently started to talk about our asexuality a bit on our Twitter accounts, which is a big step for us, along with this article. We are still learning about it, about ourselves and about what asexuality means to us. But we know it means a lot, and that our asexuality shaped us as much as our pansexuality and gender identity did."
"We always loved dressing the same and matching our outfits. People often assumed it meant we weren't able to be our own person. But we are two faces of the same coin rather than a single, unique one. Our styles evolved as we bloomed into the beings we are today, and it keeps evolving as we still take our time to wander and explore the wide, multifaceted and intriguing paths of sexuality and gender identity. As we grew more confident about both our sexual orientation and gender, we also grew more daring and bold about our style and outfit choices. We started loving dressing sexy and breaking acephobic stereotypes. Short faux-leather skirts and stilettos gave us a sheer strength that was genuinely empowering for us. We do not really stick to one single aesthetic. When it comes to fashion, we love trying, discovering, and exploring. We could say our styles alternate between different aesthetics such as cottagecore, fairycore, light and dark academia, or even witchcore."
Follow on Tiktok: @seelietwins
Mars
I first came across Mars (@Cosmicnoir) thanks to a documentary that I shot a few years ago, which showed Mars using the #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike hashtag. I'm always delighted to see fellow Black aces being their empowered true selves and I'm eager for them to be represented equally, so I was excited to get Mars for this article. Mars identifies as demisexual and panromantic, and is an Accessioning Specialist for an Advanced Genetic Research company in New York, noting, "it's a fancy way of saying I play with blood all day." Mars was born in Jersey and raised in a Cajun-Creole/West Indian home. When not playing with blood, Mars is part of a gaming/cosplay collective called Glitch Vybez — content creators who do skits, reviews, and play video games.
"Growing up, I never truly felt like I had a style of my own. Everything was picked for me and a lot of times felt embarrassing to wear. As I got older and more comfortable in my skin as well as my ace identity, I found I was drawn to a more fictional style of clothing. Movies like Blade Runner, Alien, and Mad Max all painted a certain look inside my head. I call it Apoca-Drip (Apocalypse Drip). it blends the sci-fi with practical wear and I'm always thinking of new ways to express it."
I felt like an imposter in my own skin, because I had felt this way all my life and didn't think it was possible to be a Black Ace.
— Mars
"I always had a sense I was different. A lot of the things that others kids or teenagers took interest in didn't affect me in the slightest, especially dating or having a crush. It was rare. When I actively started dating in high school and college, it was a different experience. It was fun at first, letting someone in and getting to know each other, but I felt like an outsider. Everyone seemed so concerned about sex and I was more focused on the physical and mental connections, but even that wasn't high on my list. I generally wasn't interested.”
"I knew at 24 I was ace through research, but didn't know where on the spectrum I fell. I felt like an imposter in my own skin, because I had felt this way all my life and didn't think it was possible to be a Black Ace. I told myself I wouldn't compromise my spirit for something meaningless. I didn't need to be with anyone, but I crave a level of companionship. I wanted a life I could share with someone truthfully and honestly. If I couldn't, it would also be okay. The biggest thing that helped me was finding other POC ace folks and sharing our stories. It was mind boggling how different we all were, but a breath of fresh air how we all had similar experiences. I didn't feel alone anymore. So now at 30, I am much more comfortable with saying I am Demisexual and Panromantic with my full chest. I'm proud to be ace."
Vipasha
While a lot of South Asian cultures see sex and discussions about sex as taboo, I've noticed an increasing amount of ace activism and awareness coming from South Asian countries, particularly India and the Indian diaspora. So I was eager to interview Vipasha, who is an Indian-American biromantic asexual woman who is the co-founder of a Acey Desi, an amazing space for ace South Asians that I found on Instagram.
Not allowed to date growing up, Vipasha (@vipped.cream) didn't discover her asexuality until a couple of years ago while at university, but because she didn't want her sexuality to become all that she was, she didn't learn about the intricacies until this year. Vipasha said "This had negative effects on my relationships (romantic and platonic), and on my mental health. This year I met a group of South Asian asexuals who inspired me to learn more. Recently, a lot of my growth has been through Acey Desi, an amazing group of people who have taught me so much about the intersection of asexuality, race, and gender. They remind me that my journey is valid and important. My sexuality still does not define every part of me, but I do understand it better, and this has significantly improved my relationships and mental health."
"For the longest time, I was very insecure about my body. I was taught how to suck in my tummy in elementary school to look slimmer. I didn’t see models and actresses as dark as me until recently. My style used to hide the parts of me I was taught to not like. Now, I am learning to love myself. I am more confident and use my style to demonstrate my love for myself. So, with all of this, my version of asexuality doesn’t dictate how I act and dress and think about myself. It does influence my actions and thoughts towards others, especially those I am romantically and platonically attracted to, but that’s it. I don’t dress to attract someone to me because if someone is going to be attracted to me that’s on them. They will love me for who I am, not what I give to them (which is mind blowing cuddles). There is no “one way” to present asexuality (or any other sexuality); there is no asexual look. I style myself how I want for me."
Makeup is a powerful tool that allows me to stretch the bounds of Indian traditionality and American professionalism.
"My style reflects who I am, developing in pieces overtime as I learned more about myself and grow. The most important pieces so far have been my relationship to my Jain and Indian culture, my makeup skill development, and my perception of my own body. Jainism, my religion, taught me the importance of balance, and that concept has been the key to unlocking myself. My style is a balance between the two cultures; I will pair sari blouses with jeans, or use Indian jewelry and jackets to dress up a casual look, etc. I love bold colors and patterns and makeup, and that is the best way I show pride in myself, especially as a medium-dark skinned woman. Makeup is a powerful tool that allows me to stretch the bounds of Indian traditionality and American professionalism."
Victor
Victor Hugo (@victorhsteixeira) is probably best known for appearing on popular TV series Big Brother Brasil 20 on TV Globo, which gave the asexual community mainstream visibility in Brazil. At only 26-years-old, Victor is probably one of Brazil's most famous asexuals. He was born in the Amazon region of Brazil, where he acquired a degree in Psychology and Languages and a Master's Degree in Public Health from the University of São Paulo (USP).
"I've never thought so much about my sexuality, although I always liked the theme very much. During my high school, I always had relationships with girls. In college, I started to think that I also liked boys, but I still didn't have relationships. I believe that there is no asexual lifestyle, we are very diverse and this is what I think is the coolest. I believe that, in general, I wondered a lot about myself and this is a great advantage because in our society we don't grow up seeing examples of other people who are also asexual."
"When I became more prominent in media in this year, I felt the need to be responsible for showing and representing our diversity, always respecting individualities. At the same time, there is a self-oppression that we naturally feel due to allonormativity (the idea that all people experience sexual attraction). I feel that we need to grow as a community and make ourselves heard by society. Generally, curiosities take the place of the struggle for a place of speech and it needs to be amplified. As with any other cause, not everyone it is an activist, but I believe that we must fight for more visibility."
"I don't feel that the way I dress is influenced by my asexuality in any way. If want to wear any clothes I do. But curiously I love purple and grey colors."
Michelle
Michelle Lin 林靖 (all pronouns/她) (@michellinman) is an Instagram and Tik-Tok favorite, as well as a rising intersectional asexuality activist to keep an eye on. A Chinese-American student at UC Berkeley, Michelle grew up in Detriot and currently lives in Southern California. Michelle identities as panromantic asexual, and created a safe space for aspec people on campus called the Cal Ace Space, and is also a talented choreographer, dancer, and pianist (check out their Tik Tok)!
The kind of invisibility I’ve always experienced as a Chinese American is very similar to that of asexuality. These parts of me are all intrinsically connected.
— Michelle
"I’ve always known exactly how I experience my sexuality, but I didn’t know that being asexual was possible, that being asexual was OK. The kind of invisibility I’ve always experienced as a Chinese American is very similar to that of asexuality. These parts of me are all intrinsically connected."
"I'd say my style fluctuates as my mood does. I'm fairly androgynous and femme leaning in how i like to dress casually. When I'm shooting and/or dressed in a way that exposes more skin, and then share that i'm ace, it definitely raises a few eyebrows. I change my look a lot and it sometimes trips people up when they remember I’m ace. But it's fun for me to be able to express myself in different ways since it adds to the conversation of what asexuality looks like!”
Ashabi:
Ashabi Owagboriaye (@ashabi.owa) is a Nigerian-American artist (model/photographer), activist, organizer and student from Chicago who identifies as asexual/queer, androgynous leaning and "not really interested in romance right now."
We both take a similar approach to our activism and in the way we express our asexuality, which was one of the reasons why I was so eager to interview Ashabi for this series (as well as the fact that their style is fantastic.)
I've always had people I've entered relationships with oversexualize my Black femininity and invalidate my identity me because their idea of me (adopted by the stereotype & hypersexualization of Black women from birth) didn't align with my lived experience.
— Ashabi
"My asexuality is expressed in my modeling, in my panel talks, in my day to day with strangers/friends/community; I even created a space called Ace in Grace to continue educating/validating people on asexuality! As much of a headache it can be repeating myself, letting people know that we come in all shapes and colors and acknowledging the diversity in this community is the only way people will see us and start to understand our truth!"
"My asexual journey started at 17 and from there I looked into what that actually meant. Tumblr was a really good place for me to find information, but it was always conflicting since I'm also sex-positive and there wasn't really anything affirming about that at the time. For some time I always felt fake. Since becoming aware of my own identity and starting to share that with others, I realized that people didn't believe it to be a real sexuality, which was pretty disheartening and didn’t really help! I've always had people I've entered relationships with oversexualize my Black femininity and invalidate my identity me because their idea of me (adopted by the stereotype & hypersexualization of Black women from birth) didn't align with my lived experience. For this, and other, reasons, since 2016, I've just become more out loud in letting people know about my identity and doing work around it."
Catch up on the #ThisisWhatAsexualLooksLike Series:
