This is What Asexual Looks Like Part 7: "I don’t exist for your pleasure"
Hey everyone, welcome back!
I'm Yasmin Benoit, a British model, aromantic-asexuality activist, and the creator of the #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike campaign. The campaign began with the inception of this series, which I started in the hopes that I could use my platform — and Qwear's platform — to amplify the voices of other asexual people. I wanted to give the agency back to ace community so that we could represent ourselves, and show that there is no asexual way to look or dress. Through this series and the hashtag that has become so much more than that, we can increase asexual visibility, illustrate our diversity and dispel misconceptions about our community.
For the first edition of this series in 2021, I wanted to amplify the voices of some very talented aces that I’ve had the pleasure of encountering through social media!
Venus Envy (@venusenvydrag)
Let's kick things off with our favorite ace drag queen! I've been enthralled by Venus Envy after I saw her asexual-flag-inspired make-up looks on Twitter. The Florida-based performer identifies as a woman in and out of drag, and says that she has “never experienced sexual attraction, even romantic attraction is rare for me."
"As a teenager, I thought I was just a late bloomer and questioned whether I might be a lesbian; but when I transitioned into adulthood without experiencing sexual attraction to any gender, I felt like there was something wrong with me. It wasn't until the age of 21 when I learned about asexuality on Tumblr, and suddenly, everything made sense. I've been "out" as asexual for seven years now and I'm proud to provide positive representation for the asexual community."
"As a drag entertainer, I often dress in a way that could be viewed as "sexy", but I don't consider this to be at odds with my asexuality. For me, drag is a way to express sexuality in a non-sexual way. Through over-the-top makeup, unique costumes, and an exaggerated silhouette, I present myself as a caricature of my own femininity. Venus Envy is beautiful, confident, and yes, sexy, but that does not mean she is inherently sexual. She dresses in a way that showcases her body because she loves the way she looks (as everyone should), but more importantly, she dresses in a way that showcases her creativity and unique aesthetic.
Steven (@steven_mckell)
Speaking of TikTok legends, Steven has racked up 2.5 million followers with his dance moves, impeccable bendiness and awesome sense of humour. The looks he serves are the icing on top of an ever-trending cake. The full-time social media star is from a "braw wee place" called Fife in Scotland and came out as asexual to his family when he was 24.
"Being a plus size Scottish guy from a small town and being asexual was really confusing to me at first. Growing up, sexuality was something I thought was overrated and caused more trouble than it was worth! I didn’t understand why my friends were so interested in relationships and being with others. I was more interested in doing random stuff like singing badly and trying to write comedy sketches."
Steven says that his asexuality blossomed after he started working in social media. "I knew I was different. I knew that the experiences I had before weren’t like my friends. Being myself was so important to me and I realized not knowing why I felt this way about my sexuality was actually holding me back. I began exploring who I was and discovered asexuality and I instantly connected. I thought ‘Yes! Finally!’ This is home. Ever since then I have tried to advocate, educate, and be educated where I can to help support others. I think it’s important to push asexual favorable content on my social media’s where I can.
"I used to never really think about my style and how it expressed who I was. I think that was due to thinking “oh I’m big so I can’t wear good things” which was me during my teen years and is so untrue! Now I love to play both ends when it comes to color and how I wear clothes. I do think my asexuality has allowed me to experiment more and do more bold looks. I like the idea of androgyny and my sexuality becoming one. You can see from some of my photos my style can be very plain and simple but also can be over the top and out there. If it wasn’t for the confidence my asexuality has given me, I don’t think I would do these over-the-top moments. So I am really grateful for that."
Via Perkins (@vialiveshere)
Via is a 29-year-old mixed-race woman who lives in Brooklyn who stood out to me on Instagram because of their truly badass haircut! She is a talented musician (check out her song Glitter on YouTube) who also works as a strategist for a diversity consultancy company. She primarily identifies as graysexual, but says that she has been "using demisexual and WTFsexual lately as well."
"About six years ago I started actually listening to myself and what I needed and wanted in terms of sexuality and relationships, rather than trying to follow the path I thought was expected of me. It's been a very gradual learning process, and I'm still figuring things out, but I'm beyond thankful to have ace community for solidarity along the way - it makes all the difference."
Via describes her style as "simple and androgynous."
"Neutrals tend to be my go-to (black from my goth teen years never really left my wardrobe), with a pop or two of muted color. Part of the reason why I dress the way I do is because I'm in my head so much of the time, focused on my thoughts and feelings and what I'm observing, that my physical appearance isn't a huge focus for me. In a similar way, I'm not hyper-focused on sexuality. It's a factor, but I'm much more concerned with building relationships with deep connections, romantic or otherwise."
Kanetsu (@kanetsusp)
The YouTuber, Kanetsu, actually caught my eye on Instagram because of his impressive mustache game! At 37-year-old, he is quite new to the ace community. Raised in a small town in Italy, there wasn't much representation and sex was a taboo subject around peers and family. Consequently, "I never had the chance to even start to question myself. I kinda wish there was more pressure from them because maybe I would have figured out myself sooner." His "epiphany" came in 2020 after an asexual character was included – briefly but powerfully - in the second season of Sex Education. "I didn’t know you could be like that. It was like a part of me was not broken anymore, but still, asexuality is something I’m slowly starting to accept."
"I also have very little attraction, and without that it was a huge struggle to realize that I’m gay," Kanetsu added. "I was just living in ‘default mode’ until I saw a gay man that I could look up to. That’s why I feel that representation is very important and the more the better. Being part of the gay community as an ace guy feels extremely hard since most relationships start with sex first and everything is oversexualized. I am also a sex-positive person and because of that, I feel a bit of a fraud in the ace community. I guess I want to let people know that it’s ok to not fit perfectly in a label since every one of us feels differently."
"My style was sporty clothes with no haircut since I didn’t like my body due to my weight and a bit of depression. Now that I start to feel more comfortable in my skin, I’m evolving little by little, I’m loving suspenders and I would like to add more sparkling things in the future. This is thanks to accepting my sexuality, since I don’t feel the need to fit in a box, but since I have struggles in feeling a man myself, I try to look as manly as I can. That’s why I’m growing my beard and moustache, those are my makeup for now. I dress nice and style myself every day, even if I don’t go anywhere, just to make me feel happy. There’s no point in buying nice clothes to keep them in the closet and I did that for years, just like I kept my sexuality there. And now we are out in the open together."
ZOZËY (@zozeyuk)
Zozëy is a 23-year-old agender, demi-romantic asexual artist and an ethereal musician. They felt like their asexuality became more obvious as they got older, and discovered the community at university before coming out a month later. "I feel like I know myself so much better now than I ever have before, and more than ever before I now feel confident enough in my identity to know that I am whole just as myself, and I don’t necessarily need a romantic relationship to feel complete.”
Zozëy describes their androgynous aesthetic as being hugely inspired by artists like David Bowie, Gary Numan, and others from the 80's. "That was a period in music where artists were beginning to openly embrace androgynous and LGBTQ+ themes in their image and artistic expression."
"Even from a young age I was never one to conform to gender norms, and I’m very lucky that I have family who actively encouraged me to continue to embrace this part of me. It has only become more of a challenge as I’ve gotten older because I have been bullied a lot for my appearance and gender identity, and it has been difficult to ignore that."
"As an artist, I do enjoy exploring androgynous styles with my portraits. I enjoy playing around with graphic eyeliners and dramatic eye looks, and having my hair dyed strange colours. I find that I am at my most confident when I present myself in an androgynous way, and tend to feel most euphoric when other people are confused on what my gender actually is."
"I do find that a lot of the time I do fit in with certain stereotypes that come with being an asexual person. It’s thanks to the This Is What Asexual Looks Like campaign that I’m now a lot more comfortable with the fact that I do fit in with most of the stereotypes, because it’s taught me that there is no one way to be asexual."
QueerKohl (@queerkohl)
From Appalachia to your Instagram feed, QueerKohl is a Black transgender, non-binary, panromantic asexual badass whose style I immediately vibed with. "My aesthetic is early 00s mall goth and the late-singer Aaliyah. Lots of Black, leather, spikes, fishnet, chains, etc. A lot of my looks are from BDSM fashion, which is surprising to people who assume asexual people don’t have kinks. We can."
"I didn’t know I was asexual until my 20s. I learned from a young age that I wouldn’t be protected from sexual harassment and violence, especially in educational settings. I was sexualized by others due to my race and my assigned gender from the age of 9. After an especially violent attack my Sophomore year in college, I realized that all of my sexual experiences to that point were coerced or blatantly non-consensual. Several assaults were by people who thought they could “fix me”, but instead it proved they were monsters. I regained my control over my body and pleasure through accounting. Food gets me more distracted and motivated than sex. I don’t experience sexual attraction, and I’ll never betray my body for the comfort of others. If there’s something in it for me though, that’s a different story."
"There are a bunch of stereotypes about asexual people: we are ugly, unfuckable virgins who want attention. I don’t exist for your pleasure, fuck the virgin-whore dichotomy, and I will always demand attention for Black MaGes (Marginalized Genders) to be respected and treated with dignity."
If you want the chance to be featured in the next edition of the series, be sure to use the #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike hashtag and I’m likely to spot you!
